Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), also know as Parental Alienation (PA), can manifest itself in any parent/child relationship but is usually more prominent in divorce situations. It is common in child-custody disputes.
This article will discuss what Parental Alienation Syndrome is, how to identify it, how to fight it and how to reverse it.
What is Parental Alienation Syndrome?
Parental Alienation Syndrome is the term used to describe the rejection by a child of one of his or her parents. This rejection may result in the child refusing to see the other parent, cruelty to the other parent, abject hatred of the alienated parent and complete erosion of the child/parent relationship.
Many consider it a form of systematic child brainwashing by one parent against the other parent.
How to identify common signs of Parental Alienation?
Initially, the child begins to act differently with one parent.
The child will become aloof and distant and may seem distrusting or confused.
The child refuses to see, talk to or visit one parent.
The child is abusive (uses foul language, belittles the parent, vehement opposition) to one parent.
The child is very protective of one parent while severely disrespecting the other parent.
The child makes scathing remarks about the alienated parent's role in the break up of the marriage and/or their behaviour in general.
How do you fight parental alienation syndrome?
Some "experts" recommend that you ignore it (bad idea). If you ignore it, it will get worse and you will likely lose your child to the other parent.
Some "experts" recommend that you fight fire with fire (bad idea). This is like parents who teach their children not to hit others by hitting the child (spanking etc.). You can't fight alienation by doing it yourself. This just confuses the child and is very emotionally damaging.
Your child will respect you more and suspect the tales of the other parent if you "take the high road" and don't climb into your ex's "pig pen".
Let your child know that you love them. Tell them you love them - a lot.
Never get defensive or let your child interrogate you. You don't have to explain your behaviour to your child.
Always be calm with your child. Be the adult. Your child is probably being manipulated by the other parent and is confused.
How you react to your child's alienating behaviour is very telling to the child. Don't become flustered or hurt or let the child know that they are getting to you. Your child reacts to your reactions.
Always control yourself. You might want to rip your ex's tongue out but don't let your child know it.
Don't give your ex any "proof" that you are a bad parent and don't love your child. Keep your appointments with your child. Keep your relationship with your child "business as usual".
Don't try to prove the things your ex is saying are lies. Children will glean a lot more from your actions than your words. Let them see that the lies being told about you are not true.
In short, don't become a raving idiot, a whimpering "victim" or a spineless pushover. Your child needs to see you as the person they loved and looked up to before the divorce. Don't play into your ex's hand by changing your relationship with your child.
If your child is already alienated from you, keep trying to repair the relationship. Don't let them forget about you. One day your child will be old enough to make their own judgments and will want a relationship with you - if you did your best to maintain a relationship with them.
Giving up sends a strong message to your child. Don't do it.
How can parental alienation be reversed?
In the early stages, your love, commitment and behaviour with your child may be enough to dispel what they are hearing from your ex. Children need and want calm, positive guidance, stability and consistency. Give it to them. Be their unbreakable rock and your ex won't be able to poison your relationship with them.
If you can't make any headway with your child, you will need to seek professional help. Therapy can be a great help to everyone involved. You may need legal assistance, as well.
To reverse parental alienation, you must deal with and eradicate the issues that caused it and maintains it.
Parental Alienation Syndrome is the insidious brainwashing of a child to turn them against one parent. There are tell-tale signs that it is occurring and it can be alleviated with effort.
Full blown alienation can be reversed in many cases with more effort. It is best to "nip it in the bud", rather than try to turn your child back to you after he or she has been turned against you.
But, what if you just feel like you can't cope with the breakup and the fight for child custody, too? I know how hard it can be to try to put on a brave face for the kids and maybe even the court while you are falling apart on the inside.
There is help, though. Before you see a lawyer, or even after you've seen one, have a look at Child Custody Publications for information others have used to fight for child custody and win.
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